I did get to rock bottom. I did want to die. It seemed easier than what I was facing.
Then I woke up one day and made the choice to live. To live fully and be happy. Everyday. And that is what I do!
Sometimes we have to face our fears, which can lead to prolonged torture, but the place you end up in is wonderful. I know firsthand, and I’ve also seen others experience similar. I do actually love seeing someone in a bad place…I don’t love their pain and suffering, I love that I know they are going to get through it, and shine so brightly after. Once they realise how strong they really are, they’ll be flying.
We all have the power to do anything we want. It’s realising it that is the hard part. Being the victim won’t get you anywhere and all you’ll attract is other victims.
Taking the bull by the horns and dealing with the situation is how you grow strong. Laying in bed overthinking and feeling sorry for yourself is just wasting time. I’ve done that. Never again.
Getting to that place where I wanted to die was an awful journey but one I needed to take in order to wake up to what life is all about. My life had been so easy up until then. So easy that I wasn’t really living. I would actually say that I have been enlightened. There aren’t many people who see life as I do now but I know how content people could feel if they can get here. I have learnt so much about myself. Above all, that I am not perfect and neither should I be. I love myself for who I am and am now unapologetically me. My journey was long and I did go back to my husband and my old life at one point, a few months in. I wasn’t brave enough then. I was so ill from stress that I lost loads of weight and was in a constant state of fear. I had to go back to my normal, safe life.
Going back had to be done. For me. For others too I know. I had to do this and now I know why. It was to make absolutely sure that I had done the right thing by leaving. A couple of months into the reconciliation, I realised. Our marriage was never going to work. At that point I didn’t care. I became ready for the battle to be free from any kind of control. I had allowed myself to be controlled for too long. I grew strong and then finally left.
You are one decision away from a totally different life.
I remember making my initial decision.
I was sitting on my beautiful, expensive sofa one night. Alone. As usual.
My husband worked nights so I always went to bed on my own, even if he was in the house I’d go to bed alone as he was used to going to bed late and getting up late. I asked him to change his working hours to suit the family but his priorities were very different to mine. That is ok. We are very different people!
Anyway, that night I realised that I didn’t have to live as I did. I didn’t have to ‘settle’ for a life that, when I really thought about it, made me sad.
My husband said “why can’t you just be happy?”
It’s not that easy.
You see, happiness comes from within, not from what you have got, where you go on holiday, where you live, etc.
Some people have all the material, superficial stuff and aren’t happy, but these things can mask it, sometimes for the whole of their lives. That is fine. It is their journey.
The majority of people around me probably think I should have just ‘settled.’ That is fine too. Their opinions are none of my business.
I have three children. I thought about them and decided that I never want them to feel as though they have to ‘settle’ and decided to show them that they don’t have to if they don’t want to.
I have been positive with my children every step of the way, and it shows. They are happy. We are on a adventure. That’s what life is about. Yes, they would love to have lived with their mum and dad together but now they live with us separately and very fairly and it works.
Anything is possible if you believe it enough. Maybe you don’t like your job, maybe some of your friends are really frenemies, maybe you live somewhere that doesn’t suit you. It is all changeable. You are not trapped!
It’s the fear of change though. I know. We have a comfort blanket, what we are used to. Even if our situation isn’t serving us, we stay in it as it’s familiar. Easy. Too much hassle to change.
A friend send me a text recently saying they were envious of me and another friend who have gone through a life change.They said they would find it hard to break free from their situation without family or financial support.
I didn’t really have either of these either but the fear of staying in my situation suddenly became greater than the fear of change.
If you want something enough, it’ll work out how it should.
Some people are happy ‘settling’ and are fulfilled in their lives and that is great (like the bunny’s parents in the film “Zootropolis”!).
Others have a desire to be different to the norm, to achieve things that they’re told are impossible, to jump into the unknown (like the bunny!).
Nobody is wrong. We are all on our own journeys and shouldn’t judge others on their individual decisions and paths.
That is the point. Minding our own business is one of the best things we can do.
I get lots of message from people saying they enjoy my posts. If I make one person smile everyday then great, I will continue! If I make one person feel better about themselves being a bit different to everyone else then that’s brilliant too. If I make someone feel uncomfortable then that is good too. It shows them that they need to take a look at their life and decide if anything needs changing.
One of my friends has always told me that I was in a cocoon whilst I was married. Then my little head popped out and saw that there was a whole new world I could enter, just by being brave and leaving my comfort zone.
This quote always reminds me of the contrast between my life then, and now.